Deeper
by Kiyoko Usagi
Summary: What goes on in the Deep Roads, doesn't always stay in the Deep Roads. M!Hawke x Fenris  And of course with some angsty Anders jealousy!
1. Chapter 1

_Deeper_

_Chapter 1_

_"Run fast for your mother run fast for your father  
>Run for your children for your sisters and brothers<br>Leave all your love and your longing behind you  
>Can't carry it with you if you want to survive"<em>

Caleb Hawke sat back in the worn, wooden chair in Varric's private rooms at the Hanged Man. He inhaled deeply, instantly regretting it as the room, even with the incense Varric kept lit, the air was still saturated with alcohol and piss. The mage wondered how Varric loved this place so much, or why he didn't live with his brother, Bartrand. Well, maybe that was a topic for another day. He ran his fingers through his shaggy, black hair in aggravation. They were so close to having enough for the Deep Roads Expedition.

"It'll be okay, Hawke. I'll look into some more jobs for us. There's got to be someone out there crazy enough to hire you," the dwarf said with a playful expression dancing about his eyes.

Hawke merely looked at the other, the deep black tattoo over his right eye making his green eyes stand out even more as they sent daggers into the dwarf.

"Kidding, kidding! Boy, what's gotten into you tonight?" Varric asked as he chugged a bit of his ale. Seemed like it was going to be a long night with the grumpy mage.

"Anders…Fenris…Carver… Need I go on?" the human's deep baritone ticked off the names one by one, adding more irritation to the mage's tone each time.

Varric merely cringed at the reminder. Anders and Fenris were always at each other's throats and Carver was there to be a thorn in Hawke's side, per request of Leandra, who couldn't bear Carver to be left to his own devices after "he'd been through so much." And Varric thought he had family issues…

Hawke straightened up in his seat, figuring he'd be getting no other comments from the dwarf. "Well, I think I should be going home, before Mother decides a band of thugs have murdered me in the streets."

"Murdered you? Does she not understand how dirty you fight?"

Hawke stood up, stretching his arms up to the ceiling for a momently. "Clearly not…"

* * *

><p>Caleb had returned to the hovel he called home, sharing it with Gamlen, Carver and his mother. He retreated into the backroom, noticing that his mother, and Carver were already in bed. Using the orange glow of the fire, he slipped out of his clothing and into bed. Honestly, he had never been so uncomfortable in his life. The bed was itchy and he could feel the bugs he slept with crawling. He didn't know if it was just him, or if everyone else had just gotten used to it. He looked over at his mother. How was she used to this after all she had had before? Did she feel that this was some kind of punishment of which she had to take? Caleb hoped not. He'd forever feel guilty for not doing something more…<p>

But really, what else more could he do? He was raising money to go on an expedition to hopefully buy back the estate and get her into clothes of fine silks and purple dye again. Having had enough of the bugs, he jumped up from his cot and shook himself, swatting at his body to make sure no bugs were still on him. He shook out his clothing and put it all back on. He'd had enough of this.

Caleb left the house, not before grabbing his staff, Freedom's Promise. He walked out into the night, smelling the sulfur laced within the air from the mines. He'd hope they'd make enough coin soon and get out of this place. Doubt crossed into the mage's mind as he thought about turning up empty handed. No, he wouldn't let that happen. He'd search down there alone if he had to… He'd find something to bring back to his mother and get her out of where she was now.

Left to his thoughts, his feet dragged him to Anders' Clinic even before he'd noticed the sky had grown extremely dark. Caleb looked up at the lanterns, smiling smugly. Anders was subtly showy in a way, about his healing. He walked in, wondering if the other mage would even be awake at this time of night. Not exactly to Hawke's surprise, there was the mage, awake and healing someone who looked to have gotten into some kind of brawl.

"Keep a cool rag on it to keep the swelling down," the blonde mage said to the man he'd just healed. "It should be fine in a few days. If it starts pussing, come back to me as soon as possible."

Caleb sported a crooked smile as he approached his friend, receiving an exhausted smile back.

"Hawke, what brings you about here tonight?" Anders asked as he sat down on one of his cots wearily.

"Bugs," Caleb answered. "Galmen's home is infested with them…"

Anders smiled, motioning for the man to sit on the adjacent cot. "I've been thinking…about the Deep Roads…"

Caleb settled on the other cot, at least it wasn't bug infested… He furrowed his brow for a moment, waiting for what the other had to say.

"Who are you taking?"

"I…haven't really thought about it yet," Hawke answered earnestly. "I know Varric, for sure. Merrill, doesn't seem like she wants to go. I don't blame her for it-"

"Have you thought about me at all?"

Caleb looked up from his hands, his brow creasing more as he weighed the sentence. It sounded simple enough, as if the other mage was asking how he was being considered in the situation, but something felt like the words fell heavy with other pieces, like another sentence completely…

"You didn't seem like you wanted to go either. You're always on about how you hate the "blasted Deep Roads." I guess… I assumed." Caleb fiddled with his staff, tying the rock tighter against the twisted branch it lay against. "Do you want to come?"

Anders sighed, his face falling sullen. Caleb was right; there had been another motive to the question. He just hoped that Anders wouldn't bring it up. "Are you bringing Fenris?"

Hawke's eyes rounded in astonishment. He had figured on asking Fenris, mostly because he knew out of everyone, Fenris was the most capable hand with a sword, and the most fearless. He was always easy on the eyes… Caleb blinked the image out of his mind. He wouldn't think about his fantasies about the elf here, not in his present company. "Yes, I did think about bringing him."

Anders nodded curtly, standing up and beginning to pace.

Hawke's bright green eyes watched the other, knowing full well he was irritated. "Anders…"

"No, it makes all the logical sense in the world. He's strong; he's proven loyal to you, despite his not-so-quiet hate of all mages. I did mention "all" right?"

Caleb rolled his eyes. He regretted coming here… This was turning completely sour, fast. "I'm well aware on his take of mages, Anders. But he's not once turned his back on me."

"He feels he owes you something. Once that's been paid, do you think he'll stay? He's a hunted slave, Hawke! He's edgy as it is. He won't stay."

The words were…logical, to Caleb. He sighed heavily, not wanting to admit that Anders had a point, but his sigh was indication enough, as he noticed the small smile tick at the corner of Anders' mouth. "Then he comes into the Deep Roads with me, and then he's free to do whatever he wants when we're finished." Hawke stood from the cot, not saying goodbye or even offering a nod. He exited the clinic, wishing he didn't want to see that elf so badly now…

Anders grit his teeth together. How could Hawke be so blind? The elf hated mages, Hawke was a mage. He took a deep breathe calming himself. He hated that elf. If it weren't for him… Maybe things with Hawke could be different. The blonde mage lay down on the cot Hawke had just occupied, closing his eyes and wishing that he wouldn't wake up in the morning…

Hawke fidgeted around at the front of the mansion of which Fenris had been staying. It belonged to Danarius still, but Hawke understood why Fenris stayed here. He put up his hand to knock several times, but each time backed away. He felt nervous tonight. Maybe it was the conversation he and Anders had. That crazy mage did have a point… Fenris would have no reason to stay here after the Deep Roads expedition. Hawke had flirted with the elf a few times, and it wasn't that Fenris didn't seem put off at all, in fact, he had even said he'd "practice his flattery for Hawke's next visit." A bit of hope stirred in Caleb's stomach. He certainly wished that wasn't just Fenris' way of saying politely, "get out, you creep."

He turned from the door, feeling like he'd just go and pass out at the Hanged Man after having too much to drunk, but the click of a door caused him to freeze.

"Hawke? What's wrong?" That deep, rugged voice was a notch higher than usual, as if concern and caring were laced into each thread of sound. Hawke wanted to smile, if he didn't feel so defeated already.

The mage turned around to face the tanned elf, feeling his heart lunge at the elf. He had wanted him since the day he met him. At first, it was entirely based on looks. Fenris was extremely good looking, and those eyes were like planets, with their own gravitational pull. Hawke wanted to be pulled in. It got worse when he saw how the elf moved. Each sway of the hip, each throw of the sword, it aroused Hawke in ways he wished couldn't happen on a battlefield. Reason number one for Hawke's lesser moments? Fenris' greater moments…

"Come in?" Fenris asked, moving out of the doorway so Hawke could step inside.

Caleb nodded, his throat suddenly going dry as he was at a loss for words. He was also trying to "contain himself" as well.

Fenris led them into the lounge, motioning for Hawke to sit in a plush armchair by the fire. Fenris opting for the simpler of the two chairs. He sat with his elbows upon his knees as he leaned forward to Hawke. "I watched you debate about knocking…"

Caleb laughed awkwardly, going to scratch at the back of his neck. "Oh you saw that? I was just…I didn't know if you were going to be awake or not."

"Courtesy, I see." Fenris looked away, but something seemed sad by his expression. Caleb wanted to ask, but his tongue swelled again.

The mage cleared his throat, fidgeting in the chair. "I…" He wanted to venture into the unknown, he truly did, but as much as he wished he could, he'd already accepted defeat. Anders was right… Anders seemed to always be right… "Wanted to talk to you about the Deep Roads."

Fenris' expression changed, his eyes becoming for sharp and focused. "Ah, I see. What of them? Have you neared the coin you need?"

"Just about. Varric thinks one or two other good jobs and we'll be set. He's looking for some work tomorrow. Isabela has also been collecting money… but how she's been dumping it on Varric daily, I'm not entirely sure."

"Pickpocketing…" Fenris answered simply. "She told me about it. She also said that if she does this, she feels no loyalty to being forced down there. She'd rather not."

"Well…is it wrong of me to be okay with her stealing money?"

"Maybe? But I'll not judge you." The pair shared a warm smile, only listening to the sound of the fire cracking and sizzling as it lapped at the logs it slowly consumed.

Caleb cleared his throat, straightening up in his chair. "Well, then I guess I'll just take the coin and be fine with it…"

"I assumed you'd have no issue. She'd asked me not to tell you, but…"

"You two see each other a lot?" Hawke asked, praying Fenris didn't see his double-sided question.

"Only when I go to play cards with Varric. The way she looks at me sometimes is…offputting."

Hawke settled into his seat, feeling a bit more relaxed.

"But what did you come here to talk about specifically? Involving the Deep Roads?" Fenris asked.

"Well, I've been giving thought to my team. Varric, clearly, Anders…somewhat suddenly decided he wants to go, and, I was hoping you'd come as well?"

"I told you-"

"I'm asking if you _want_ to, not if you feel obligated to."

Fenris pulled his legs up into the chair as he rested his chin on his knees. It was the most innocent demeanor Caleb had ever seen sprout from the elf. He wanted to place the tiniest of kisses on that nose, and over those eyelashes…

"I don't feel obligated. You've…become a friend of mine, and I want to prove that to you. You have my sword, I'll protect you down there."

Caleb smiled, enjoying the silence for a moment; he saw the other fidgeting within his curled up self. He wondered what was going through Fenris' mind at that moment. "Thank you, Fenris."

The elf stood up in the blink of an eye, a hint of a smile playing at his features. "It's late…"

Caleb felt his heartstrings pull. Well, it was late, and he was sure Fenris was tired. He stood up as well, offering out his hand. "Good night then."

Fenris looked at the offer, and then shook Hawke's hand, nodding. In that small contact, he felt sparks surge from where they touched, leading down to somewhere he'd rather not think about. He broke off the handshake before Caleb could, pulling his hands away. "Stay safe, Hawke."

"Stay out of trouble, Fenris…" Caleb said over his shoulder as he made his way to the door.

"I hang around you don't I? Troubles where it's fun!" Fenris called back, feeling delighted with his own strike of humor.

Caleb turned around, flashing a large smile, then turning back to the door and exiting. He felt successful. When it's just the two of them, things seem right. Fenris is almost an entirely different person when not in a crowd, or being backed into a corner by Anders. Maybe he wouldn't be leaving… Just maybe, Caleb could convince him to stay…


	2. Chapter 2

_Deeper_

_Chapter 2_

_"When we first came here  
>We were cold and we were clear<br>With no colors on our skin  
>We were light and paper-thin<br>And when we first came here  
>We were cold and we were clear<br>With no colors on our skin  
>Til you let the spectrum in"<em>

Hawke wanted to scream. He had been running in circles all day. He decided to help a man named Ghyslain, whose wife had "gone missing." Caleb had half a notion to believe the woman did just run off, but still… someone should have seen her. They were on their way to the Foundry, after hearing a few leads from a prostitute at the Blooming Rose, one who was rather adamant about getting into Caleb's pants. Oh, Isabela was never going to let that one down…

He wanted to scream though, because ever since he set out with Anders, Fenris and Isabela, he had heard nothing but "mages need to be free this and mages need to be free that," always countered by "mages are evil and wicked and blood mages and bad!" Hawke wanted to scream at the two of them! They were giving him a headache. Thank the Maker Isabela kept her mouth shut… at least about the mages. She was very vocal about how Fenris' hips swayed when he walked.

Hawke turned around when they got to the Foundry, eyeing all of his companions with a bit of anger. It was only Isabela who noticed and offered a small smile. "All of you…quiet! We're going to go in, quietly… We're going to look around and if anyone is in there, we're not going to kill them okay? If it's a mage, we'll take him to the Templars, got it?"

"Oh, of course, find a mage, bring him to the Templars, fine choice, for an apostate calling the shots…" Anders bitterly said.

"I think it's wise…" Fenris retorted.

"Everyone, Hawke said quiet… He wasn't joking…"

Caleb sent a small, appreciative smile over to the pirate queen and turned around to go inside.

"Of course it's blood magic, when's it not blood magic," Fenris stated after they had finished vanquishing all the monsters inside. "Did anyone see where the mage ran off to?"

"He didn't leave through he door, which would indicate that there's a passage inside here…" Isabela said. "Or, at least from what I saw…"

"For now, we just turn the bones over to the Templar, and bring the ring to Ghyslain," Hawke said. "Hopefully Emeric will pay enough for us to stop running about like this. I'm getting really tired of it."

"Hawke..." Anders said softly, concern filling his features.

"I don't want to talk about it, Anders." Caleb finished placing the bones into a bag, and made his way for the exit.

Fenris and Anders shared a rare moment, as they both shrugged in unison to each other, before walking out behind their leader.

Hawke turned around to everyone, his face worn and tired. "I'm going home. Tomorrow, meet me in the Gallows, all of you. Hopefully then we can collect our pay." He swung the bones over his back, headed in the direction of Gamlen's house.

Fenris was the only one who didn't depart in his own direction; he quietly followed Hawke, unsure of what to say.

Caleb turned around, his features softening at the elf's sight. "I said you could go home tonight, Fenris."

Fenris looked around for a moment, before settling on those green eyes, practically ablaze with their own light. "I know. Something was bothering you tonight…"

Caleb nodded, turning around and knowing where this conversation was going, but for some reason, he was too angry to let down his own defenses. "Yes, you and Anders."

Fenris nodded, it seemed Hawke had no intentions of really opening up about it. "Good night, Hawke."

Caleb knew the elf was retreating, and part of the mage wanted to stop him, and the other wanted his pride to win out. But his heart, was screaming at him, and in the end, his heart would win. "I'm sorry, Fenris."

The elf turned around, cocking his head to the side in confusion.

"The way you two go on… I don't really care. Sometimes I think it's funny, but… I'm a mage…" He looked away, his green eyes dimming as they drown with sorrow.

Fenris felt his sink as it wished to recoil. So that's what had happened… He'd hurt Hawke. He slowly blinked, gathering his thoughts. "Don't go home. Come stay with me?"

The words confused the mage, but he found his feet following the elf, and not returning to the bug infested house he'd had to call home for the past year.

They had walked in silence, the only conversation was their eyes meeting occasionally, and nervously looking away, that and the occasional cough or clearing of throat. Fenris opened the door to the mansion, motioning for Hawke to go inside first. "Please, sit in the lounge, or if you want to eat, we can go into the kitchen?"

Caleb noticed the caring demeanor, and the complete attention to him the elf was giving. He wondered if Fenris felt badly for their conversation previously. "Kitchen. I feel like raiding your cheese…"

Fenris laughed softly, but his lips barely formed a smile. At least Caleb knew he wasn't acting too entirely out of character. He walked into the kitchen, plopping down on the prep table and grabbing at a block of cheese. He didn't use any knife to cut the cheese, just his fingers. "I'm cutting the cheese…" he giggled like a child.

Fenris only rolled his eyes.

Hawke smiled, rolling his own playfully, before going to nibble on the cheese. It was warm, as Fenris had no real way of storing it coolly. "You know, I could make you a block of ice that'd keep your meats and cheeses fresh… Oh, but that requires magic…" The last part of the sentence was laced in sarcasm, and clearly a jab at the elf.

Fenris took the bait though, but knew full well not to incite an argument with the mage. "I admit to being falsely informed…by my own ignorance." He leaned up against the table holding most of his vegetables, across from Hawke. "Not all mages are bad. Here you are. While you're not exactly good either, you don't touch blood magic, and you realize the Circle has purpose. I understand your reasons for not going. You have a family to protect and a mother in a situation completely under her. I get it."

"I think that's more than you've ever spoken at one time…" Caleb teased, his eyes glittering with play.

"Ha. Ha."

"Do you think I should turn myself into the Circle? And be honest." Caleb's eyes became void of the laughter they held moments before. To a point, it almost alarmed Fenris.

"I don't think the Circle could teach you anything you don't already know."

"Which means what about mages in general, Fenris?"

Fenris crossed his arms, knowing exactly what Hawke was playing at. "Which means, the Circle isn't perfect… and thus not all mages need to go to one…"

Caleb threw a piece of cheese at Fenris, a smile across his face. "Now, that wasn't so hard was it?"

"You throw me a reward…" Fenris looked at the cheese, before allowing it drop to the floor for the ants to feast upon.

Hawke instantly realized the consequence of his actions. While he saw it as play, Fenris clearly had not. He felt ashamed, putting the rest of the cheese down and looking at his boots. "Fenris… I didn't-"

"I know you didn't mean it that way. And I shouldn't be angry at you for fooling around."

"I shouldn't ask, but, what was it like? Being a slave?"

Fenris weighed the question, thinking back on his memories, and looking at his arms, remembering the bitter resentment he harbored each day. "I guess, it's like what some mages feel in the Circle."

Caleb clocked his head in curiosity.

"You're powerless to your own decisions. You do as another asks, no matter the consequence to your own morality or without thought to what the damage is. It's worse when you see slaves, happy with their lives. I don't resent them, just… pity them. They don't know to want freedom. I can't even imagine not being able to control my own thoughts."

"Slaves and mages have a lot in common…" Caleb began swinging his feet, as he reached for a few grapes.

Fenris watched the man toy with a grape on his tongue for a second, his thoughts suddenly far away from the subject at hand, but closer to the man in front of him. He watched the mage's tongue, cradle the grape, before balancing it between his teeth, closing those plump lips over the fruit to slice into it.

"Fenris?"

The elf blinked, going to grab a few grapes himself. "Yes, I guess they do."

Caleb saw the soft blush, even with the dim light the candles gave off. He smiled softly, wondering what it was that Fenris was blushing for. Was it him? Had he done something to cause it? His heart fluttered for a moment, seizing onto that thought and cementing it against itself. His mind challenged the opinion, wondering if it was just embarrassment at being called out on being a hypocrite, however politely.

"I'm going to eat you out of house and home," Caleb said as he got to his feet, watching the dust swirl around his boots. This mansion was in shambles…

"I don't honestly eat much anyway. It is mostly for you…" Fenris admitted.

"How kind," Caleb teased as he made his way out of the kitchen and into the long hallway. "Care if I steal a bottle of wine?"

"You'd do it even if I said no…" Fenris answered as he followed the mage out.

Content with the answer, Caleb made his way into the cellar of the mansion. He honestly didn't understand why Fenris wanted to live here, and alone. He guessed the elf really didn't understand the notion of companionship, which made him wonder if he'd ever been with a woman…or a man. Worry plagued at the mage, causing him to pause and crouch in the cellar, staring at the wine bottles, covered in dust. If Fenris had no memories of the past, but he had had one… What if there was someone he had left behind? Someone still out there, looking for him. What if he had family? If he remembered, would he ever see Hawke the same? Or would he give up on Hawke for the life he had before Denarius? He felt his pessimism plaguing at his heart, as it caused the organ to go cold, and tremble as it barely held together.

He ached for that elf, probably just as much as Anders ached for Caleb… Now he knew what it felt like. A love unrequited, and not returned. Was it love? He had loved that body before he even thought of the mind. Fenris wasn't exactly logical, but he was willing to change his ways when proven wrong, and that showed good character. He was strong in loyalty, which was a good thing if you wanted a relationship… Caleb liked talking to him, and they shared fun moments, like just before, in the kitchen, even if the blunder Caleb had caused with the cheese.

"Did you get lost?" a voice called out from the doorway, holding a candelabra.

Caleb turned his neck to see the darkened image of Fenris. "No, I jus can't decide on which one…" he lied.

"Uh huh…" Fenris said as he moved closer. "It would have helped if you brought down a candle to see…"

Caleb snapped his fingers, as a flame burst from the friction, hovering in his palm.

"Magic, right." Fenris sat down, leaning against a barrel of wine, knowing it was Denarius' home made brew. Fenris wanted to use it for fire grenades… He'd certainly never drink it.

"Do you ever think about your past?" Caleb asked softly.

Fenris evaluated Hawke's expression before venturing to answer. "Yes."

"Do you ever think…about having someone? Someone waiting for you to come home?"

"Someone…?"

"A lover, Fenris…" Caleb gave the elf a deadpanned expression.

"Oh," Fenris said as he shifted, a bit uncomfortably. "I've never thought of someone waiting for me. I assume if they were waiting, they'd have stopped by now. Whatever was in my past, I assume it will only remain there. It'd lead to a dead end even if I tried to figure it out."

"Have you been with anyone since you can remember?" Caleb ventured.

"Hawke…" Fenris wanted to ask his own question. A simple, "why" was all he wanted to ask, but that small word seemed like it carried the weight of the world upon it. Something in the mage's voice was different. It was void of confidence and sounded more like a child than a man who has accomplished all that Hawke has. "No. Not…willingly."

Caleb turned away, feeling ashamed now for bringing it up. He pulled up the first bottle he could reach, at this point, he just hoped it was potent…

"Have you had a lover?" Fenris suddenly asked.

Caleb used a small Force spell to pull the cork out of the bottle, wincing as he heard the loud pop of pressure as the cork dislodged. "Formally? No. I did hold hands with a girl when I was seven though!"

Fenris allowed a small smile to grace his features. Caleb wanted to seize that image and burn it into the back of his eyelids. "I won't deny though, I've been to the Blooming Rose for more than just investigation."

"I already knew that. Isabela doesn't exactly keep her mouth shut…" Fenris teased.

"That woman! See if I ever tell her anything again!" Caleb joked, taking a large swig of wine, wincing as the alcohol burned down his throat. It was rather dry, and bitter for wine, but he didn't care. It was going to serve its purpose all the same. He handed the bottle to Fenris, who promptly took a drink of his own, wincing and gagging at the taste.

"That one's all yours, Hawke," the elf said as he ran his hand over his mouth to catch the vile liquid that missed his lips.

"With pleasure," Caleb said as he took another large gulp of wine. "So, since this conversation has taken a poor end to it, shall I just chug my wine and be off then?"

"Why don't you stay in one of the guest rooms? I don't think a drunk Hawke wandering about Kirkwall at night, singing "She's a Jolly Good Fellow" again is a good idea…"

"Oh the thugs that night! Thought they could take me on!" Caleb laughed loudly, nursing his drink rather quickly.

"The images will never leave my mind…" Fenris said as he stood up, offering a hand down to the mage.

"You're a good friend, Fenris," Caleb said in all seriousness. "I do hope you stay, after the Deep Roads." He hadn't meant to say it, but the words rushed from his mouth before he had a chance to think. The wine couldn't have gotten to him that quick, even if he had drank half a bottle already… "I mean…"

Fenris held up his hands, quieting the mage. "Thank you. Please don't fall up the stairs…"

Caleb laughed again, his overly loud, boisterous laugh as he turned, swiveling a bit, going to the stairs. Fenris sighed, as amusing as a drunk Hawke was… Sometimes he worried that the mage wouldn't ignite himself on fire by accident.

"We've got enough!" Varric said as he raised his hands up into the air in happiness. "Hawke, that last job tipped it! We've even got some to spare!"

The group all shared smiles and sighs of relief. Their work was finally paying off! "Excellent, now, about my cut in the deal…" Isabela said as she leaned over to Varric. "I think I put quite a lot of coin into this…"

"Isabela…We all know how that coin was obtained…" Hawke warned.

"Relax, Hawke! I just want myself left out of the expedition. You're all mad for wanting to go, I just wanted to ensure I didn't have to. I know how much you enjoy looking at my backside…" she teased.

Caleb felt his cheeks go warm and he shifted in his seat. "Right… Well, you don't have to go. I've figured out my team already as it is."

"Who?" Carver asked anxiously.

Caleb felt bad. He had wanted to take his brother along, honestly, but they didn't have the funds to take more than four of their own. "Carver…"

His younger brother fell silent, crossing his arms and sporting that bitter expression. "I get it…" he finally said, his face relaxing a bit. "I don't hate you."

"I care for you too, which is exactly why I couldn't risk you too."

Carver nodded, a small smile playing at his usually bitter lips.

"So, who's going then?" Merrill asked.

"I've selected Anders, for his healing, and Fenris, for his muscle. It won't be easy down there, especially if we run into darkspawn, but Anders is a Warden, and the taint won't affect him. I'm good on damaging multiple enemies, and Fenris is a … plow, to put it mildly.

"Here, here!" Varric said as he put his mug up in the air.

"I wonder what he's been "plowing" you with, Hawke," Isabela teased, knowing clear in her eyes.

Hawke felt his face go beat red. He looked to Fenris, who seemed to be as equally astonished. No one else seemed to really catch it though, save for Anders, who just looked like he wanted to rip the elf in two… Maybe taking Anders wasn't going to be such a good idea… But Hawke needed him. He was already beginning to brace himself for the headaches to come.

"I'm glad you feel assured in your team. I wish I could have put myself out there for you though," Aveline said. "Just, with the guard…"

"I know Aveline, it's exactly why I didn't select you as well. You're needed here."

"Thank you, Hawke," she said with a smile.

"We should probably look at what coin we have to spare, so we can pack our own supplies. I can supply a fair bit of potions for healing, but I think it'd be wise if we spoke to Lady Elegant and stocked up on some elfroot potions as well," Anders said.

"Good idea. We're going to need as many lyrium potions as we can get as well. You and I will most likely really need them," Hawke answered back.

"Got that covered for you already," Isabela said as she pointed behind her to a trunk. Merrill moved to open the trunk, seeing about fifteen potions inside, all glowing blue from lyrium.

"I don't want to know how do I?" Hawke asked.

"Not if you value your life," Isabela teased.

"I'll bring you back a nice piece of jewelry, or buy it with the riches I find…" Hawke said.

"I'll hold you to that… Now, if you'll excuse me, but I've got some boys downstairs wanting to play a game of cards with me, and you know me, I can't possibly refuse a game to steal their spirits…" Isabela said as she stood up, to leave.

"Thank you, Isabela," Caleb said once more as she winked at him and disappeared from eyesight.

"So, food, and general camp supplies with some first aide and we're good then?" Hawke said, still eyeing the trunk of lyrium potions. He hoped he wasn't going to get jumped for having those by some angry mage, or Templar…

"Oh, let me be the one who gets you the food! I love the market!" Merrill said enthusiastically.

"Settle down Daisy, why don't you have Hawke accompany you there then?" Varric said, his expression forcing the mage into the idea.

"Sure, why not," Hawke said, with an awkward smile. Last time she was at the market, she got completely robbed by a shady vendor. No one was completely willing to let her do her own shopping after that.

"I can go to the blacksmith and see about getting some extra weaponry," Fenris stated.

"Daggers, oh, and some of those poison laced arrows! I like those…" Varric said with a sinister smile on his face as he rubbed his hands together.

"You better have good aim with those. Last time I fought with you, you nearly took my ear off!" Anders countered.

"You were fine," Varric drawled.

"Okay! We'll distribute the coin we've got left and with those who have tasks assigned, get to them, but, before that, today, you and I have to go see your brother," Caleb said, looking to Varric.

"Course! You and I can do that after we leave here," Varric said simply.

"Well, we're wasting daylight," Caleb said standing up.


	3. Chapter 3

_Deeper_

_Chapter 3_

_"Regrets collect like old friends  
>Here to relive your darkest moments<br>I can see no way, I can see no way  
>And all of the ghouls come out to play<br>And every demon wants his pound of flesh  
>But I like to keep some things to myself<br>I like to keep my issues drawn  
>It's always darkest before the dawn"<br>_

Bartrand was…certainly an interesting fellow, Caleb had surmised from the short meeting. He treated Caleb like a dog until he had coin to show, and then it was like Bartrand became the dog that humped Caleb's leg… But, nevertheless, he was on as a partner for the Deep Roads and all was going according to plan. As Varric and Hawke were returning to the Hanged Man, Merrill ran up to Hawke.

"Did you succeed? Oh, I can't imagine you not. You're…" She gestured to his entire person. "You!"

"Merrill," Hawke extended his arm to her. "Would you like me to assist you to the marketplace? We should start getting ready."

"Yeah, Bartrand wants us gone in the week. Pah, I knew he'd been itching to get down there, but I hope the help he hires isn't as hastily chosen as this thing is being thrown together at this point."

"At least he has us…" Caleb said smugly.

"Right, who even needs other hired help when we've got us?" Varric stated sarcastically. "Just the Deep Roads."

"Sounds like you're nervous, Varric?" Merrill asked as she waited patiently, holding onto Hawke's arm.

"A bit. Not about what we find down there, just about how my brother is… Well, I'm going to head back to the Hanged Man. Drink a lot, and hopefully find a beautiful lady."

"There's a game for that?" Merrill asked astounded.

"Uh…he means, never mind…" Hawke said as he turned her toward the market. They received quite a few nasty glares from both elves and humans. Caleb was honestly astounded. He wondered how badly the sneers would be if they all knew he was Fereldan, and both were mages… The thought almost made him laugh aloud.

"I don't like how they all stare…" Merrill stated, clinging more onto Hawke's bicep.

"Mixed races…are taboo. From both your kind to mine and my kind to you."

"I don't understand why everyone has to be so mean. Why can't everyone get along?"

Caleb patted the girl on the head, patronizing her unintentionally. "Nothings that simple, Merrill." He broke from her hold and went over to a booth with figs. "We need things that can dry and still be edible. Figs are a good choice for that."

"Right, dry out, not spoil. I'll look over here!" Merrill said as she wandered to another booth. She found a booth with mostly nuts and a few other goods. "Nuts don't dry out or go bad. So, I guess they're safe. How much for…" Merrill evaluated her hands spreading her arms out to one size and then going to another. "About this much?"

"For you sweetie, seventy silver."

"Oh, that's…"

"Too much… A bag that big surely couldn't be more than fifteen silver," Hawke said as he stepped in. "And I'll be needing several bags, I think you can give me a discount on account I don't turn you in for robbing a poor girl blind."

"Yes sir! Sorry sir." The merchant went about getting the bags of nuts.

"I don't understand… Why do they always do that to me…" Merrill asked softly as she hung her head.

"You're an elf, and you're foreign. They can tell you're Dalish. You've got that naïve aura about you." Hawke gave the man his silver, in exchange for the nuts, but not before glaring his most threatening glare, sending the man to stumble backward.

"Come on Merrill, we've got more shopping to do."

Merrill looked to the man, clearly stricken with fear. She wished she wasn't so helpless. She wanted to be more of use to Hawke.

* * *

><p>"They did it each and every time. These aren't bad people either!" Hawke said as he slammed his fist on the table as he sat across from Varric at the Hanged Man. "They're just merchants! None of them swindlers or murderers! I didn't take them all for thieves! Is no one just…good in this city?"<p>

"Hawke, are you "good." Varric asked, taking a hearty drink from his ale.

Caleb blinked, sitting back in his chair and thinking. "No… No I'm not. But I wouldn't rob an innocent girl either!"

"Just as they wouldn't kill someone as quickly as you have."

"…Since when did you become a voice of reason?" Caleb teased.

"Since you came in here needing me to be one. Look, night's still young, I've yet to find a woman, and you've yet to take a drink of something. Relax! The world isn't black and white!"

"Merrill will never be able to just go the market by herself."

"So we'll take shifts taking her? It doesn't always have to be you," Varric shrugged.

"I'm going to teach her how to barter. I think once she knows that, she can handle things on her own."

"Or you could waste your time, that's fine as well. You'd think she'd have learned something by now since you've started taking her to the markets. Even Hightown tried to rob her blindly!"

Caleb rubbed at his temples. He didn't understand people… Then again, Varric had a point. Nothing was just one way or another. There were layers to everything. "Okay, I'm going to get a drink. Maybe play cards with Isabela."

"Don't let her rob _you_ blind…" Varric warned.

Caleb nodded, before sighing and walking out of the room. He found Isabela with several men, whom Caleb didn't know, but he decided to sit down nevertheless.

"Hawke, care to join me and my friends in a game?" the pirate asked, her eyes clearly indicating that it was all a setup.

"Actually, no, I think I'll pass for the night." Having a sudden change of heart, Caleb made his way out of the Hanged Man and into the dark streets of Lowtown. He hoped he didn't run into any gang members while alone, he really hated when he had to fight alone. It was the downside of being a mage. You relied on others to keep them away. He shoved his hands into his pockets and made his way toward Gamlen's home, cringing, thinking about the bugs that still resided there. He felt dirty, even after running a bath in that house.

He thought back on what Varric had said. No one is either good, nor bad. Hawke was a shining example of this, as he was quick to kill but always eager to help those in need. He was compassionate, and had risked his life several times for other mages. He thought back to a specific blonde half elf, with a human father. He'd let him go off with the Dalish and not to the Circle, despite the protests of Fenris.

The mage sighed heavily, as he looked up at the clouded sky. There would always be the strong who preyed on the weak, and there would always be those who saw and took opportunity. He was quite the opportunist as he prepared for the Deep Roads. He hoped Merrill would be able to fair on her own for that time, or maybe he'd beg Carver to keep an eye on her. He rolled his eyes, picturing himself begging to Carver. It looked absolutely ridiculous.

He made it to Galmen's home in one piece, and walked up the stairs to the hovel. He couldn't wait to get out of here. He sighed heavily, opening the door and wishing that this would all be over soon.

* * *

><p>"You be safe now okay?" Leandra said to her son as she hugged him goodbye. It had only been five days since the market incident, but the crew for the Deep Roads were all ready to go. Caleb hugged his mother, a bit awkwardly of course. He loved her, but, Fenris was near, and he could of sworn the elf was watching.<p>

"I'll be fine, Mother."

"You better be. I can't lose another child."

Caleb gave her a longing look, as pain crept into his eyes and blotted out their joy. He missed his sister, Bethany as well. "I'll come back. You have my word."

Leandra nodded, walking away slowly with Merrill and Carver. Caleb was relieved about Carver looking out for the Dalish. He wasn't exactly thrilled with playing babysitter to a mage, but he understood that she was someone who needed help, at least, that's what Caleb thought.

"Blasted Deep Roads…" Anders grumbled as the other mage walked up to him.

"Cold feet?"

"No, just remembering my cat. I wish he was here now with us. He could help out with the darkspawn."

Caleb smiled, nodding in agreement, merely to amuse the other, radical mage. "Well, if we find any cats down there, and they're not zombies or something, I'll let you keep it," Caleb teased as he patted the man on the shoulder before walking over to Varric.

"So, can we finally go? I'm getting restless," Caleb said as he swung his arms around like a child.

"Relax, Hawke! Bartrand's just double-checking the maps. I'm sure we'll be heading off soon."

"Someone's suddenly confident in their brother?" Hawke teased.

"I told him to double-check the maps…" Varric corrected.

Caleb laughed loudly, rolling his eyes. And he thought his issues with his brother were bad. He looked over to Fenris, the elf was talking to a dwarf. From the looks of it, they were exchanging stories about the blades they had. Caleb wondered if it was the dwarf that had initiated the subject, or if Fenris really was that into blades.

He of course then couldn't stop himself from thinking about swords and being a euphemism… Oh Maker, he should have gone to the Blooming Rose before this expedition…

* * *

><p>The Deep Roads were probably the creepiest places in the history of forever to Caleb. He felt like he was constantly being watched, he hated how temperature would go from freezing to freezing-balls, and he hated not knowing if it was "day" or "night." It was always night down here, and that irritated him. It messed with him and kept him feeling sluggish and sleepy. He shook his head a bit as he walked, trying to jolt some energy into his person.<p>

"Hawke, are you okay?" Fenris asked as he appeared by the mage's side. Caleb wanted to say something playfully sarcastic back to that, but he feared even joking that the elf had feelings for him… He wouldn't risk it.

"I'm just tired. I'm always tired."

"The Deep Roads do that to everyone. Lack of sun messes with you. I hope Bartrand doesn't keep making us go much further. Everyone's looking a bit tired," Anders said.

"Any darkspawn that you can sense near?" Caleb asked, trying to stay focused on the task at hand. He wished he had never come down here… It was miserable. He hated how numb his feet felt. He couldn't tell if it was because Bartrand was running them into the ground, literally, or because it was so cold.

"No, actually. After Blights, they usually don't swarm unless they're building for another one," Anders commented.

"Good. I don't want Hawke having to waste any more of his energy than needed," Fenris said, blushing a bit as he noticed what he'd said.

Caleb bumped his shoulder into the elf, smiling appreciatively.

Anders grumbled something under his breath, but Caleb couldn't make it out, and honestly, he really didn't want to. He could guess what it was about.

Hawke wondered if this counted as flirting with Fenris, or, if it was really just them being good friends. He licked his lips in thought, regretting it as the chill it brought on made him shiver. "I hate this blasted cold…"

"It's cold? Didn't notice," Varric said shrugging.

"Are you serious?" Caleb asked, incredulous.

"Thick skin, dwarf… you know," Varric said smiling.

They hadn't realized the rest of the group had stopped, before Caleb nearly ran over one of the other dwarves. "What's going on?" he asked.

"Roads blocked. We're setting up camp here for the night."

"Night? It's night?" Caleb asked as he looked around, trying to figure out how the dwarf knew that. He received no answer though as the dwarf just gave him a strange look and went about setting camp.

Caleb walked over to his group, and began pulling out tents, bedrolls and blankets. "Maker, I better not freeze to death tonight."

"We'll have a fire, you'll be fine," Varric said waving his hand, dismissing the thought.

They spent the next half hour helping each other set up tents and figuring out who sleeps in which one. Caleb, being the sly devil he is, was able to get Fenris in his, while Varric and Anders would share the other. It really wouldn't have worked out with Varric and Caleb in a tent together anyway. Fenris and Anders would have probably killed each other before the "night" was over.

Caleb walked over to the fire, feeling the warmth lap at his front. He smiled, enjoying the heat. "If I set myself on fire… no one panic… "

"Why would you be setting yourself on fire?" Fenris exclaimed, his brow furrowing.

"It was a joke, because I'm cold…" Caleb said as a small smile found its way onto his face.

"Oh, right."

Caleb sat down by the fire, removing his boots and placing his feet close to the flame. "I don't think the darkspawn are going to annoy me nearly as much as just being cold."

"You whine a lot, Hawke, you know that?" Varric teased with a shit-eating grin.

"Piss off," Caleb said playfully back.

"I think I'll start on some food for us. Seeing as Bartrand doesn't care if we starve or are fed…" Anders said as he stood to retrieve some of the food they brought.

"This does feel like we're on the outskirts of this expedition, doesn't it?" Caleb asked Varric.

"Yeah, sort of. I guess I kind of did that to myself though. Bartrand and I don't usually see eye to eye as it is. I'd rather be around you verses him."

"Awe, I'm so flattered, Varric!" Caleb teased as he put his hands to his heart.

"What can I say, I've got a soft spot for sarcastic bastards."

Caleb and the dwarf exchanged a short lived laugh, and the party fell back to silence. The mage looked over at Anders, watching him prepare the meal, it looked like he was going to make soup of some kind, using the chicken broth they were able to bring along. He looked over to Fenris, the elf had his knees tucked under his chin, and his arms wrapped around his legs. He looked, like he was off on some distant plane, thinking about whatever it is he'd think about. Caleb didn't realize he had begun to stare, until those green eyes met his. He averted quickly, shifting where he sat and pulled back his feet, since they had become pretty warm. He curled and extended his toes, enjoying the ability to "feel" them again. He looked up a bit, using the protection of his hair to sneak another peak at Fenris, the elf was still looking at him. He wondered what was going on in that mind… Was it good? Bad? Nothing? It couldn't be nothing…

"Caleb?" Varric said as he nudged the man with his foot a few times. "Anders is asking if you want some of the carrots? We need to eat them sooner rather than later."

"Oh, yeah, sure."

Anders and Varric both exchanged glances of confusion to each other before both returning to their own thoughts. Varric began humming his tune, of which he'd never tell anyone what it really was, and Anders began chopping carrots.

Despite them usually always having something to talk about, no one seemed really chatty, even Varric withheld his own voice, which was an ultimate surprise to Caleb. The mage didn't particularly care though, he was lost in his own thoughts. Fenris aside, he had a mission here. He needed to find something that could buy back the estate, and get his mother into good clothing again. Fenris was a whole other level that Hawke didn't really know if he even wanted to begin tackling. The elf was always so, guarded. But he thought back on the night in the cellar. Fenris had opened up in ways that Caleb never thought he would. He wondered if them sharing a tent would make anything else come out of the elf, or if he had limits, and Caleb was fast approaching them.

"Supper's ready," Anders said as he began passing out bowls. The party took their portion, and returned to their quiet thoughts, only commenting to tell Anders that his cooking wasn't all that bad… Fenris only grunting, which was probably all he'd do to thank Anders.

Caleb stood up, thanking Anders quietly again and then retreating into the tent. He lit the small lantern and set it in a corner so he could undress. He only wondered how the others felt, stripping out of their armor. A blush ignited within his cheeks as he realized Fenris would have to come out of that armor tonight to sleep… Caleb bit his lip, allowing his mind to wander for a moment. He wondered where all those markings went… Feeling his lower regions begin to stir, he figured it wouldn't exactly end well if Fenris walked in on him with a raging boner, and thus Caleb panicked, trying to think of anything but the elf.

"Mud…Deep Roads, Dwares….Dwarven women…yeesh!"

"What are you muttering on about?" Fenris asked as he slipped into the tent.

"…I don't like the Deep Roads."

Fenris allowed a hint of a smile grace his flawless features. "I don't think anyone here aside from Bartrand does…"

Caleb suddenly felt awkward, he hadn't removed his robes, and he honestly had no idea how comfortable the other felt about him undressing, or Fenris undressing in front of him. Well, this was suddenly really awkward..

However, all those questions were answered when Fenris began slowly undoing the ties, clips and clasps of his armor, placing them in a corner of his side of the tent. Caleb watched without meaning to, as the man removed his torso piece. Caleb looked at those muscles as they moved, thankful the elf had his back to him. His body was lithe, and the markings seemed to go everywhere… Caleb felt his body twitch again, and he immediately thought about dwarven women.

"Hawke," Fenris called, making the mage's head snap over to see the man, his chest exposed. He couldn't help but allow his eyes to scan over the elf's chest before he finally met those eyes that seemed to look into his very soul. "Do you feel okay?"

"What?" Caleb asked scratching at his head. "Right as rain!"

Fenris gave him a longing look, furrowing his brow before beginning to remove his pants. "You should get ready for bed…"

"Ah, right." Caleb felt eyes on his back as he turned away to begin stripping of his own robes. He got down into his smallclothes and hopped into his bedroll rather quickly, forgetting the lantern was on his side…

"Hawke," Fenris said again. Caleb rolled his eyes, he was clearly acting like an idiot tonight…

"Fenris?" he asked as he turned around to look at the elf, sitting atop his bedroll in his own smallclothes.

"Are you afraid of being down here?" the elf asked, cocking his head to the side.

Caleb relaxed, feeling that this was honestly a great excuse for his rather, odd behavior. "A little…" he lied. Truth be told, he didn't like the place, but it didn't scare him. What was a band of darkspawn coming at you with weapons raised high? All in a day's work!

Fenris offered a small, endearing smile, moving to turn the lantern off himself. Caleb traced the markings on the man's skin with his eyes, wishing he could use his fingers… "Do those go…everywhere?"

Fenris was a bit startled by the question, but once he returned to his bedroll, he shrugged, feeling the question really wasn't that strange. "Yes."

"Like…down there?" Caleb pointed to his crotch.

Fenris rolled his eyes, but he was rather amused. "Yes, Hawke, even down there."

"So, when you got those, someone had to strip you naked and-"

"Hawke, I get you're nervous about being here, but, can we not talk about what's caused most of my troubles?"

Caleb instantly felt ashamed and more than guilty. He turned over, feeling his stomach churning. "I…I really didn't mean to…"

"I know you didn't. And I forgive you. Get some sleep, or you're never going to feel yourself down here." Caleb listened to the other turn away, and lay his own head down. Caleb wondered how Anders and Varric were fairing together. He turned onto his stomach and opened the tent's flap, feeling the icy temperature creep into the tent. He saw the soft glow of their lantern, and saw two figures sitting up and talking to each other. Well, at least they were doing fine.

"Hawke, it's cold…" Fenris stated.

The mage shut the flap, mumbling a soft apology and curling up into a ball. He felt like dying. It was like, there were these switches on the elf, and you had to make sure they were either on or off in a very specific order, or you wouldn't get the same "Fenris" each time. This Fenris, wasn't anything like the one he'd talked to in the cellar, or goofed about with in the kitchen. He was the one that the others knew. The cold, distant, broody elf who barely talked, but when he did, it wasn't exactly sunshine and daisies. Hawke felt sick. He didn't know what to do, or even how to begin to get over the elf… As clearly, nothing was going to come of his one sided love… or so he thought.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note:<strong> Prepare for something cute next chapter. :) Should be up later today, after I complete some homework and take a shower.


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note:** Per a critique I got, and something I did think about, when in Hawke/Caleb's point of view, "Caleb" will always be used. When in someone else's point of view, he will be referred to as Hawke. The POV of which I'm trying to work with is called 3rd Person Rotation, meaning at each paragraph break, there is a potential chance for the reader to skip into the minds of other characters, other than Hawke, it's the biggest POV challenge I have. I was going to change to 3rd Person Limited, but I feel I'd lose out a lot being I wouldn't be able to switch into Fenris' character thoughts. If you are well versed in 3PR, please, do review with a critique on how I can better that. I tried to be more focused on POV this time around, so we'll see if I succeeded.

* * *

><p><em>Deeper<em>

_Chapter 4_

_"But in order to get to the heart,I think sometimes you have to cut through, _  
><em>But you can"<em>

Caleb woke, shivering violently in his bedroll, curled up into his blankets. They all felt like sheets of ice to him. He looked to where the fire was, seeing nothing but black, indicating someone had either put the fire out, or it died of cold itself… He pulled the blankets closer, but it didn't seem like anything was going to relieve him of this pain. He felt his teeth chattering, and struggled against them, locking his jaw as he convulsed. Maker! He'd never been so cold. He hadn't even heard the other move, and nearly threw a punch when he felt an arm wrap around his shoulder.

"You're freezing," Fenris said. Caleb wanted to joke about stating the obvious, but felt if he opened his mouth, his teeth would chatter so hard they'd fall out from sheer force. "Don't…freak out."

Caleb wanted to turn his head, but he knew what Fenris was doing when the other slipped under his covers and wrapped himself as close as possible to the other. "Body heat's the only thing I can think of that'll keep you warm."

Suddenly, being so cold wasn't so bad. Caleb nodded, still shaking. They lay there in silence, Caleb had figured Fenris had fallen back asleep, until the elf cleared his throat. "I'm not…making the matter worse am I?" Fenris asked.

Caleb laughed, but the sound was a bit strange as his throat fought to clasp shut from the cold. "N-no. Th-thank you."

"I actually thought it would be hot down here, I don't even know what possessed me to think that way now though."

"Varric's s-s-stories?" Caleb chattered out. He received a laugh from the elf. The mage couldn't help but savor that sound. It was so delicate, yet laced with iron string. They fell back to silence. Caleb guessed this was awkward for the elf, considering he had mentioned it twice. He pushed his back closer into the elf, feeling the other tense a bit before relaxing. The warmth the elf had was like a soft fire, and Caleb was certainly appreciative of the gesture. He felt his own muscles relaxing and his teeth finally stopped chattering.

He didn't know if he'd fallen asleep, or if he'd just become so content time seemed to drift away. His body was warm again, and his muscles completely relaxed. He wanted to turn around and look at the elf, but he feared what kind of response he'd get from that. His eyes snapped open as he felt a hand run along side his waist, then removed from his body. "Please don't leave me…" Caleb said, before he could even think about what he _had_ said.

"Hawke…" Fenris whispered, his voice was laced with a bit of struggle of some kind, but the mage couldn't figure it out. Caleb braved turning around and facing the elf, much to Fenris' surprise.

"I…" Caleb sat up, regretting it as the icy temperature wafted to his warmed body, piercing thousands of tiny icy needles into his body. He didn't scramble back under the blankets, and Fenris followed suit, sitting up to face him as well. "You'll hate me…"

Fenris furrowed his brow, unsure of the man's train of thought. "H-how would I hate you?"

"Because, I'm everything you don't look for in someone."

"Just because I don't actively seek out mages, doesn't mean I can't change my mind about those who prove they're not like the others?"

Caleb sighed, clearly he wasn't getting the point, however, that was part of it. "I really… care about you, Fenris…" He was glad for the absence of light, however to see an expression of any kind would have brought the mage some kind of comfort. While he could hide his own expression, he was completely at a gamble for the body language the elf may or may not sport.

"And I really care about you?" Fenris responded, confusion evident in his tone. "I saw you shaking, and I couldn't just allow you to die from the cold."

"Fenris, what do you really think about me?" Caleb abruptly asked.

The elf was confused, and he had no idea how to formulate a proper response, considering he was lost as to what Hawke was searching for. "I think…you're a rare, good mage who only wishes to better the life of his family."

Caleb nodded, knowing he wasn't going to get anywhere with this, and that he'd made this situation entirely too awkward. "I'm sorry for freaking you out. I guess the cold just got to my head. Good night…" Caleb fell back into his bedroll, pulling at the covers. He felt like crying.

Fenris hadn't moved. He sat there, looking at what he guessed was his friend, as the blackness of the Deep Roads enveloped their persons. He didn't understand at all what had just transpired. He knew those green eyes were probably broken, as he knew somehow he'd messed up. He slunk back over to his own bedroll, curling the blankets around his body. He wanted to say something to make whatever pain Hawke was feeling go away, but he feared doing so. He doubted he was going to get any sleep tonight. Part of him, wanted to say how he really felt, but, how could Hawke feel the same about him? He was an elf, who stupidly reminded Hawke all the time about how much he hated mages. What was that honestly doing to Hawke's psyche? Fenris sighed, closing his eyes. He wished he had said something, wished he would, but knew he'd never…

* * *

><p>"I'm going to say it again…" Anders threatened as he used an arcane bolt to remove debris from the path they had been going on. "I hate the blighted Deep Roads."<p>

"And that makes fourty-seven times you've said that…" Varric said, proud of himself for actually remembering his counting.

"Your brother certainly doesn't have the most competent of hired hands. I don't see them ever doing the work we are! I mean, we're out here clearing the road while they're all looking about going, "Oh, how interesting!" Anders said as he thwacked another large debris with a bolt, smiling when it exploded into small rubble.

"I was worried this would happen, and look, I was right," Varric said, his eyes locking on Hawke.

The mage shrugged, using a lightening bolt to remove some of the debris as well. At least he and Anders were good for something that didn't require backup. "Well, at least he does have us around…" Caleb said, trying to stay optimistic. He saw Fenris out of the corner of his eye, and instantly regretted even accidently looking. This "morning" was, well, awkward. Very, awkward. Neither of them had spoke when they dressed, nor when they left the tent. They hadn't said a single word to each other all day. Caleb wondered why the other was so edgy and just as nervous to look at him as he was. Maybe Fenris really wasn't into men?

"We've got a pathway now. Yippy," Anders stated flatly as he turned around, facing the group. "Regroup back with Bartrand and our lovely band of hirelings?"

"Sounds good to me. Maybe we can rest for lunch," Varric said as he patted his stomach. "I'm starvin'."

"Oh, I doubt Bartrand will let us even drink a sip of water," Caleb teased.

They returned to the campsite, seeing Bartrand pacing like a lion locked in a cage. "Uh, brother?" Varric said. "We got a path cleared."

"Good! Let's move out then!"

"Actually, we were hoping we could rest for a bit, seeing as we just removed all that rock out of your way…" Caleb said, hoping the subtle insult of sarcasm would stay completely laced within the words.

"Ten minutes, then we move!" Bartrand said before turning to speak to someone else.

"Ten minutes…I don't even have enough time to sit down and stand back up," Anders complained.

"Blondie, try living with him…" Varric said as he went to grab one of the nut bags Merrill and Hawke had bought. "Anyone want to sample my nuts?"

The group broke out in laughter. Caleb was certainly glad that out of everyone in the world, he was at least with Varric down here. The dwarf certainly did know how to make the time a bit easier.

"How's the weather treating you today Hawke?" Varric asked as he munched on a few of the nuts.

"A lot better from last night. I got so cold Fe-" He stopped himself short, realizing that the elf's head had snapped in his direction, with rounded eyes, as if he were about to be pushed off a ledge. "That Fenris almost allowed me to use magic inside the tent…" he covered. He watched the elf's shoulders relax, a small smile coming to his features. Caleb furrowed his brow lightly, a bit of confusion. Why did he smile? Was he relieved no one knew? What was the issue if they did? He would have done the same if it were Varric freezing or Anders. It would be awkward, sure, but to save a life…

"Oh, I see you're making progress. Perhaps soon you'll be preaching the freedom of mages to the world," Anders said bitterly, knowing full well what he was insinuating.

"Not likely…" Fenris snapped back, folding his arms across his plated chest.

"Let's get a move on!" Bartrand yelled at the group. "We're burning resources!"

The party moved, all grumbling about aching feet and sore arms. Caleb took a moment to stretch, reaching his arms as high above his head as possible. "Thank you," he heard an all too familiar voice say.

"For what?" Caleb questioned as he swung his arms down.

"For not ruining my reputation," Fenris teased. Caleb was shocked, and judging from the small laugh that escaped the elf's lips, it was clearly etched into his face.

"Well, what harm would it have really done? You saved my life."

"It's…not like I'm ashamed. I just…" Fenris looked away, shrugging. "It's complicated."

Caleb eyed the elf for a moment, before realizing they were falling behind the group pretty badly. "This conversation isn't over…" Caleb said as he began walking toward the group.

* * *

><p>"Deep Roads… Why? Why did I agree…"<p>

"Eighty…" Varric said, however much less enthusiastically than he had the time before, that wasn't as enthusiastic as the time before… The party sat around a fire, created by Anders and his impatience to allowing a fire be made without the use of magic. "If this is all the amusement I'm going to have for three weeks…someone, shoot me!" He looked around, waddling a bit as he sat. "Where's Bianca!"

"Not so fast, if anyone's assisting in suicide, I want in on this too!" Anders said.

"Eighty one…" Caleb ticked off, a small smile on his face as he nudged the other mage playfully.

"I'm going to refrain from what I'm about to say," Anders said, a smile on his own lips.

"Does that count as eighty two?" Varric questioned, a smile displaying on his features. "Thank goodness for you all…"

"Here, here!" Caleb said. "Oh, and this piss mead! It's great too!" Caleb said as he took a large swig off his canteen, wincing as the foul liquid touched his tongue.

"I'll drink to that!" Anders said, taking a heavy gulp from his own.

"Quiet over there elf?" Varric said as he pushed his booted feet closer to the fire. "No jabs at Blondie over there?"

"Hm? Wha-" Fenris said as he raised his head from the hand he'd been holding it with. "Oh, I've nothing to say."

"More like nothing to say… out loud," Varric corrected.

Caleb looked at the elf from over the fire, watching his image sizzle and dance from the fumes. Even with his body being disfigured from the gases, he was still beautiful. Caleb looked to his hands, something was bothering Fenris, and Caleb wanted to know what it was. What was so complicated that he couldn't tell him about? They were still friends weren't they? Had Caleb done something to offend him? Was last night… He sighed heavily, taking another gulp of his mead, loathing the taste but loving the effects. He wondered if he just got really drunk, if he'd just wander into bed and foret the whole thing. Odds were against him, as his tolerance for alcohol was way too high. He rolled his head in a circle, then going to stretch out his arms, shoulders and legs. He felt so sore. It wasn't that they were even doing much manual labor, it was just the moving and the transporting and the clearing and the darkspawn! It seemed like a list that wouldn't end. The Roads all looked the same to him as well.

When he returned from his thoughts, he'd realized Fenris was gone. He stood up, looking about in alert.

"Relax Hawke, he just went to bed."

"I've got something to talk to him about though…" he said as he stormed off to the tent. He opened it, seeing Fenris removing his torso piece, looking slightly embarrassed as he saw Caleb.

"What's so complicated that you've decided to avoid me all day?" Caleb asked, feeling angrier than worried about a relationship that was seemingly impossible to obtain.

"I didn't mean to avoid you. I just had nothing to say."

"Fenris, don't lie to me."

"I'm not lying," he said shrugging as he sat on his bedroll. "I guess I just feel awkward because I slept in your bedroll with you last night."

"To keep me warm?" Caleb said as he moved to sit on his own bedroll, facing the other.

"You mentioned in the cellar, that you never had an "official" lover…" Fenris said. Caleb's eyes focused completely on the male before him. Was this where he thought it was going? "Well, neither have I, so… doing something that lovers do… I just got awkward."

Caleb nodded his head, looking away from the silver-haired elf. "Fenris, friends also will sleep together if it means they stay warm."

The elf looked up, his eyes full of innocence and comprehension. "Oh…"

"Oh, yes," Caleb flashed a sarcastic grin.

"Well, then I apologize for mistreating you today then. I was wrong."

"Could I ask you a favor?" Caleb ventured, hoping that this extremely sly plan would actually work. If misleading Fenris was how he was going to slowly figure the other out, well… He'd do it…

"Of course," Fenris said all too quickly.

"Can you move your bedroll against mine? That way neither of us are cold at night."

Fenris smiled softly, nodding.

"Thank you."

"Anything for you, Hawke."


End file.
